Current mood:	satisfied
Entry tags:	emotions, i'm in love, life

A Most Fulfilling Day
January 3rd, 2009 was quite a day for me. I had to stay awake for a total of 25 hours, 30 minutes, with no naps in between. I got lost twice; once in the twisty maze of the city of Pittsburgh, and again on the open road. There was definitely a sense of fear and hopelessness around me. But I got home. And you know what? It was a great day. The moment I had in the middle of the day was well worth it.

Let’s start at the beginning: there’s this really nice guy who I met on OkCupid. He’s kind, sweet, and good-looking. Basically, a great catch. We’ve been chatting for a while, and we wanted to see each other in person sometime. I was awaken by a TXT from him at around 6:45 PM on Friday night (remember, I work a night-turn job so I sleep in weird times of the day), saying he wanted to chat on AIM for a bit. From there, we set up a time and a place for us to meet in person.

How did I get there, you ask? Well, remember that post I did when I bitched about not having a car? Well, I bitch no more, honey! Got me a 2002 Saturn SL. It drives well, good brakes (and I mean really good)....the only complaints I had were 1.) It didn’t come with a jack for changing tires (according to my stepdad, that might have been against the law...but I did buy the car “As-Is...”) and 2.) It came with a bum wheel. Got the thing home, took it to work, and *POP*! Rear driver’s side tire goes flat. Pretty ironic, huh? But I was able to get it to Sears and get a new tire.

But I digress. After chatting with that man with the gorgeous brown eyes, I showered, ate some breakfast (breakfast at 8 PM...feel free to laugh at that...I know I do) and headed off to work for nine hours (there’s an hour’s worth of breaks in there, but sometimes you just can’t tell). Got home at around 7:45 AM after stopping for breakfast....again (which just happened to be a footlong turkey sub...in the MORNING...Sheetz is awesome). I remind you that I have not been to bed yet.

Once back home, I showered, shaved, brushed my teeth...all the essentials for trying to impress a special someone. I did not sleep at all. Around 10:00 or so, we initiated another AIM session. He gave me an address and I got the directions from Yahoo! Maps. I was ready to hit the road. But before I left, I was lectured by my mom...don’t get into any drugs or alcohol. Yes, mommy.

Another thing she told me: don’t get any girls pregnant.

I felt a little part of me die inside when she said that.

I have yet to come out to her. She’s been noticing I’ve been secretive with her for a while...and she’s right. Ever since I came out of the closet (sadly, not to her), my attitude towards her has changed quite a bit. Don’t get me wrong; I love my mother with all my heart, and I have so much respect for her. But I just know, without a doubt, that when I tell her I’m gay, both our lives will be miserable. She has her beliefs on homosexuality...y’know, based on a certain “manual.” Most of her views are pretty negative. When I tell her, I’m sure she’ll lecture me even more, and I won’t hear the end of it. My worst fear: she disowns me. Not only will I be left homeless, but I would lose quite possibly the best person in my life. The way I’ve been doing things lately, the moment when I do tell her is going to be really, really bad.

But I’m going to be who I am, no matter what anyone says. Coming out has to be the best thing I’ve ever did for myself. I’m happier, I’m more free...I feel like I can take on the world sometimes. But I know mom will get too wound up about my immortal soul too much to even care about my happiness here on Earth. That’s why I’m waiting for the right time to tell her. That time: when I finally leave the nest. Once I have my own place, I’ll tell her everything. Every single little detail. And if she does have a problem with it, I’ll have a place to go if the worst should happen. Until then, I’ll endure.

Besides, she won’t have to worry about me initiating any pregnancies. Vaginas are icky.

Again, I digress. The directions were pretty straight-forward: just follow a couple routes and interstates for a really, really long time. Things were sailing smoothly...until I reached downtown Pittsburgh. I was incredibly lost. Super, SUPER lost. I went down the wrong way on so many One Way streets it wasn’t funny...oh, who am I kidding? It was hilarious. But I sure as hell didn’t feel like laughing at the time. I tried calling Chris (the one with the gorgeous brown eyes) asking for help...turns out I was talking to his roommate. He’s a bit of an odd fellow, but he has the patience of a saint. We worked with me for an hour trying to help me reach his apartment. My prepaid minutes were running low, and I was getting very nervous. After him trying to explain shit to me, he finally said it: I’m downtown. His apartment is NOT downtown.

......DUR.

I went in complete circles for nothing. I finally found my way out of that crazy place after searching so long. I met this guy at an Arby’s that was fairly close to his place at around 1:00 PM. An odd fashion sense, but then again, I’m not one to talk about that. He also had a nose ring...if he were younger, I’d think it was kinky.

He pointed me to his place. Once we got there, I was finally able to see Chris in person. When I saw him, I felt a calm, soothing feeling all around my soul. He looked even greater in person than he did in those mere pictures. I told him myself that those profile pics just didn’t do justice. He smiled and took off his sunglasses. There they were, those wondrous brown eyes. I melted a little when I saw them...

The date could have been better, though. First off, we were both in bad shape. I haven’t slept in what felt like two days, and he was still recovering from a New Year’s party. We were both in a state of personal misery, but we both went out for a nice walk around the city, got lunch, and had a nice conversation over coffee at Starbucks. I got to know a lot about him. He has his own small business fixing computers and....good lord, that’s all I can remember. I was so out of it, I could barely hang on to the conversations. I think he realized that, too....

I do remember he said that he runs a gay support group. He says that he loves doing that, which I think is tremendously remarkable. I wish there was a support group around my area. Things are getting...a bit negative around my neck of the woods. Knowing that there are allies around can make you feel so good.

I think I also remember him talking about a gay night club, and how’s he knows this one stripper. I remember him saying he had long, blond hair and a twink body. I’m hoping that, if I go into this place, they let me bring my camera! :D

I tell you, this guy has it all. He’s smart, funny, independent, a jack-of-all-trades, and has a beautiful face that you can just stare into for hours on end (at least, that’s how I felt). He’s a fabulous example of gay perfection, and that got me so turned on like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t know if he knows this, but I was trying to keep my hard-on at bay the entire day. Even the sound of his voice gave me a wiggle. Hell, I consider it an honor he found something about me he liked.

It wasn’t the most romantic encounter, all things considered. I actually wanted to hit on him more (I can’t get his face out of my mind...those eyes...), but I was just way too sleepy. I think he understood that. He’s a very understanding guy...just another reason to fall for him. <3

Again, I remind you that I haven’t slept since Friday afternoon.

It was around 5:00 PM when I headed home. I had to follow the directions in reverse order. Doesn’t sound too difficult, I said to myself. Yeah, not difficult, but tricky. I followed Rt. 22, trying to reach Rt. 60 North. Couldn’t find a Rt. 60 sign, but, after a long, long drive, I did find a huge sign that said “Welcome to West Virginia.” The only word that could come out my mouth was “shit.” It was around 7:00, and I had to stop somewhere to get a hold of myself. I was incredibly nervous, as well as scared. I wanted to call somebody...but then I realized something. There were times when I was younger when I said I wanted to live aa grown-up life. I never liked being treated like a kid, being told what to do, being held by the hand constantly. I wanted to help myself out of my own problems. How else am I to know I can handle life on my own if I don’t give it a try? Well, this was my chance.

This is the very first time I ever got lost so far away from home, so naturally it was very scary. But just because I was afraid didn’t mean I couldn’t do anything. So I got back on I-279 and tried again. After some time, I finally found that sign I was looking for: Rt. 60 North. For the next 45 minutes of driving, I was at peace.

Once I got home, I was lectured, once again, by my nervous mother. But I really don’t want to get into that now...

So that was my day. Full of emotions, and literally full of twists and turns. But it was also filled with life experience. As a guy who grew up being afraid of his own shadow (which I blame on how I was raised), this is the kind of experience I yearned for all my life. I finally did something on my own, and even though I made the mistakes and took the wrong turns, I got out of it without the help of others (to an extent...Chris’s roommate really helped me out).

The emotions were a great experience, too. I felt worry, anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and hope all in one day...and that was just the drive home. The other emotions I felt were much better: love and adoration. I don’t know how Chris feels, but I feel that he is a great guy who destined for great things in the future. He works so hard and asks for so little. He truly deserves so much more than what’s given to him. He’s someone to admire for the ages. Still, it’s a shame he wasn’t feeling too well while we were together. I didn’t tell him this, but I just felt like giving him a hug until he felt all better. He did give me a hug just before we parted ways...I just wish that moment could have lasted longer. I’m hoping I can have another chance with him someday.

After such an ordeal, I now know the true value of a good night’s sleep. For those of you who think sleep is over-rated: shut the fuck up and go to bed. But even though I’ve been through a lot on that day, I would do it all over again.

I have to make a note of this. January 3rd, 2009: The Day I Finally Started Living.